Habit #4 – No Masturbation or Porn

My “Before” scenario and background with masturbation and porn

I thought I’d start out this post by stating up front that I am a brutally honest person. If you are friends with me in person you already know this, some say I have no shame so I’m going to be pretty blunt with this post.

This is one of those topics I’ve always thought was really biased, knowing there is tons of people against porn and tons of these communities out there talking about “no fapping” for various reasons I have been under the impression for the years that there is absolutely nothing wrong with porn. I’ve always enjoyed it and have never actually viewed it as an “addiction” or some god awful thing. This topic is so highly debated I’ve never really cared to think much into how it’s effecting my life.

I’ve basically gone for as long as I can remember (puberty?) being interested in porn, I remember the days of being excited over playboy or hustler magazines. I even remember going to a friends house who had an older cousin living with him at the time that had stacks of VHS porn tapes, he proceeded to put a video on as we all watched.. everyone laughed and I was sort of unsure of myself never having seen something quite like that before.

I’ve basically grown up thinking porn was normal and a part of growing up, when I was younger a friend of mine actually used a 56k modem to dial into some foreign country with a dial up application to get access to hundreds of porn videos. His dad had to pay an outrageous phone bill because of it.. now a days it’s every where and accessible from thousands and thousands of websites online. I had actually used the same app was smart enough only to stay on for a few minutes knowing the phone bill would be insane, he stayed on for well over 30 minutes. It’s funny to think back on it how almost “desperate” we were to get it, like it was treasure or something to see it!

When I was in high school someone had paid for an online account with Hustler and the username and password got shared around with probably 5-6 different kids I was friends with. We actually would laugh and joke about this one “baby sitter” scene where the girl would yell “Mr G! Mr G!” during the sex scene. Porn was always just “normal” you know?

Since high school I actually saved every video I ever downloaded, be it from some random site, having friends share their collection from a computer, a torrent or whatever, I saved all of it for no real particular reason other than sometimes feeling like I’d re-watch it. I actually managed to collect well over 100 gigs of porn, this was not hard to do in a 10+ year time frame.

What’s my current situation like?

As of about a year 1/2 ago I actually started dating my girlfriend Brendalyn and she was not at all fond of the fact that I watch porn, mostly during our relationship it’s been her just sort of dealing with the fact that I do it.

Now some women I’ve dated could really careless about porn, some might even watch it with you but Brenda is definitely not like that. It mostly makes her feel as though she’s not good enough and that I’d rather be watching other women naked instead of watching her. I’ve insisted that it’s not true, for me it’s always been getting that “release”. I’ve also used it for many years as a sort of sleep aid because of the relaxation effect. I’ve even looked at it as a way to help me last longer when it actually comes to sex. I always think back to the scene in the movie “It’s something about Mary” when the guy tells Ben Stiller’s character not to go on a date with a “loaded gun”. I don’t know that it’s actually ever helped me “last longer” but the idea was not to be going in with that “loaded gun” so to speak.

Brenda actually got really upset with the fact that I kept porn on my computer now that I was with her, which ultimately led to some arguments and her asking me to delete it. I told her I would and decided to temporarily move it some place else (she actually found the folder, I never exactly cared much about hiding it) I was thinking I’d watch a few of them before letting the whole collection go, knowing I wouldn’t be watching them ever again most likely. I didn’t do such a good job moving the collection and she found that one too! Trust me when I say she was silently angry with me for any entire day and hardly spoke to me. I ended up deleting it that day and showing her the difference in hard drive space on my computer, oddly enough it actually bothered me for a day or 2 after I deleted it all. I don’t think I was super attached to it but it wasn’t something I acquired over night either.

Her thought was she viewed the videos on my computer as “Trophies” like I was keeping the videos as some sort of collectible. As a Christmas joke gift she actually bought me a towel that says “cum rag” with a little sperm graphic on it, perfect for getting the job done. In some ways it almost seemed like an “approval” to keep watching it like I had been for years but over time I’d have days where she would come home and ask me straight to my face “Did you jerk off today?” in somewhat serious tone and of course I wouldn’t lie to her. Those same nights I’d never get sex.

As of before starting the 30 days of discipline challenge I typically watched porn 4-5 times per week and have sort of “struggled” with the idea of it being “Ok” or not.

What has it been like to stop in the past?

When I was in college I mostly commuted to work but there was a semester that I stayed on campus in the dorms. During that semester I decided not to watch any porn or masturbate at all. During that time I actually remember being a lot calmer around women and generally more confident with more energy. Almost like my testosterone was through the roof, this also could have been a combination from working out regularly at the college gym and taking a Nitric Oxide supplement. I just specifically remember having a lot more happening with women in my life during that semester.

Last time I tried to stop was last year, I got about 7-8 days into it and got very uncomfortable blue balls to the point that it was actually not all that comfortable to even walk. I literally needed a “release” that bad that I was simply in agony over it.

At the time of writing this it is day 1 of the 30 day challenge and I am strictly not going to watch any porn or masturbate during the 30 days. The program does not actually mention anything about not having sex but does specifically state that masturbation can reduce testosterone levels where as having sex will increase it. I think this part of the program would be very challenging for me if I was a single guy, especially considering I wouldn’t be going out late at night trying to meet women even on the weekends.

Let’s see how I do over the next 30 days and see how this habit changes my mood, energy and relationship with Brenda!

Here is a video I did that also discusses some of my thoughts during this program:

 

Check back on November 20th to see how no porn or masturbation has effected me over 30 days!

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